Showing posts with label Addiction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Addiction. Show all posts

20.1.19

Off-Day



I'm having an off-day

But it feels worse than an off-day
It feels like the bad old days
When I ran away from teachers I refused to obey
When no one came out to play cos the sky was all grey
When it all became about how much booze I could put away

They said it was just a phase but it was a gateway to cocaine
Comedowns on rainy days washing my young hopes down the drain
I was destined for an early grave

Til she came along and took away my pain
Led me away from waste, hate and decay
To bigger, better and brighter days
She was from the other side of the tracks, her parents went to the ballet, for the matinee, drinking cabernet, on holiday in Marseille - a total cliche
Though I’ve got to say, they were kind of OK

But man she was my main aim
She made my pain go away
Made my heart fly to the Milky Way
Didn't matter how much more she got paid
Our love ran two ways
I was so lucky and I knew she felt the same

Man she set my heart ablaze
Through her I learned stuff I shoulda known anyway
She taught me not to expect praise
Taught me how to behave
Taught me not to accept come what may but find better way
Taught me Uruguay isn't pronounced U R Gay
Days I saw her were my favourite days
Cos with her, finally, I wasn't afraid

But I was easily led astray
Cos I was raised a tearaway
Addiction struck me down again
Getting into fights, having X-Rays
She never complained
But I knew after that it could never be the same
I'd pushed her away, my welcome outstayed
And now I’d never again wake up to her beautiful face
That privilege - gone to someone else unworthy to claim

I felt shame cos I was to blame
I wanted her back so badly I prayed
And I prayed
And I prayed
And I prayed

But nothing changed
That was three years ago and I still feel the same

I saw her walking with another guy just today
I didn't know what to say
Cos all those memories I hadn't erased
Came back and burned me like old flames
Then she saw me and held my gaze
Gave me a cute smile and threw me a cute wave
We both said "hey" and for a second we were together again

One and the same
Feeling pride not shame
Feeling love not hate
Feeling hopeful again
In that moment before she drifted away

Sailed past, leaving me standing there like a castaway
A single tear fell down my face, forever unclaimed
But I know it's me who’s to blame

Sorry man I got carried away, but anyway
That's why I'm having an off-day

That's why I'm having an off-day



———

Click here for more Poetry

Click here to follow clarkspeak on Twitter

23.4.17

I quit

It’s been seven years since smoking and I broke up.
We were together for seven years, too.
Our relationship started with ‘going twos’ at a gig,
and ended with a chest infection. 


I used to love smoking, dumb as it sounds now. I didn’t mind the ‘smoker’ label one bit. Marlboros, Lucky Strikes, rollies… I was on 20 a day.

Smoking fitted around my routines: between classes… on lunch at work… before going out… if I wasn’t lighting up, I wasn’t ‘taking a break’.

I remember that kick of the first smoke of the day — it felt like taking in an icy breath of winter air at 5AM one late November morning.

Smoking was good. It was who I was, because I did it all the time. It was also how I did things, like writing, reading, walking — with a cigarette between my lips.*

The break-up 

On day 2,617 of my relationship with smoking, we broke up suddenly.

I got a chest infection, which is pretty normal for smokers, I think. I was a spluttering mess. I couldn’t smoke a cigarette, no matter how hard I tried. (I had swine flu, if I remember right.)

After a brutal coughing fit I thought to myself: If you’re ever going to quit smoking, it’s probably now.

A few days’ cold turkey turned into a week, to two weeks, to four… and that was it. The infection disinfected me.

* Whether it’s biting our nails, twiddling our hair, or whatever, “We are what we repeatedly do”, so they say.




———

Click here for more Life

Click here to follow clarkspeak on Twitter

1.12.14

He took his trainers to work




How could I be so stupid? I didn’t think the film was going to drag on so long, but I should have accounted for the possibility that it would. Now I’m behind on everything…

I’m such a pathetic girlfriend. Dan took his trainers to work so he could run home and get high as quickly as possible. I know what he expects – I expect it of myself. I should have had the first joint rolled and the munchies prepared by now. He’ll be absolutely livid if I’m not ready when he gets back. And when I tell him I went to see a film with my mum, and it lasted longer than I thought it would, he’ll say “that’s no excuse”. He’ll say, “I told you what time I’d be home.” And he’ll be in a mood all night. Sure, he’ll smoke and snack with me until 3am, just like every night, but he won’t say a word. His mind will go to a place I can’t reach, and it will all be my fault.

God, why did I even go to see the film? I could have just called my mum, right here in the kitchen, and got ready at the same time. Then everyone would be happy. I wish I’d done that. That’s what I’ll do next time, if there is a next time. I don’t deserve Dan. There he is, working full-time in the shop, while I’m just here at home. He says he likes me being at home, but I feel guilty about it. I love him so much. I need him. One day he’ll know better than to be with me. It might be today, if I’m not ready in time. It’s a terrifying thought. How will I cope out there on my own? I haven’t spoken to my friends in months. I really, really need to be ready in time for him getting home. There’s a lot riding on this.

OK, now the munchies are all laid out as he likes them. Sausage rolls, chips, dips and ice cream. I’ve put them on his favourite tray with his favourite sauces, and I haven’t forgotten the cutlery this time. I’m learning. This is good. The thing is, there’s hardly any time to make this joint. I can’t rush rolling it, because he’ll notice. He might not notice an undercooked sausage roll or a burnt chip, but he’ll notice if his first joint isn’t up to scratch. It’s the most important thing. It’s got to be the right size, and the right strength – he will be able to tell the difference.

I should have made more time for this. Is the clock ticking louder? It sounds like it’s ticking louder. I’m sweating from running around the hot kitchen. I burnt my hand pulling the sausage rolls and chips out of the oven and it stings. I’m shaking so much that I rip one of the papers I’m rolling up, and weed falls onto the carpet. Tick-tock. No. Please, no. Not now. It looks like I’ll have to start again, God it really looks like I have to start again and I don’t have time now. What is time? Time is wherever Dan is.

It usually takes me about seven minutes to roll a three-skinner and I’ve only got half that. God it’s everywhere. It’s all over the carpet. I should clean all this up before starting again because he’ll be angrier at me wasting weed than not being ready with the first joint. I think. Or will he? Now’s not the time to be frozen in fear! There’s no time.

And now I can hear the lock turn in the front door, and tears are falling down my cheeks. He’s even earlier than he said he’d be. I fall to my knees. I was so close, Dan. I was so close to being ready. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Don’t hurt me. Please don’t hurt me. Please just smile. You look so beautiful when you smile.




———

Click here for more Prose

Click here to follow clarkspeak on Twitter

27.9.14

Sirens



It was the fastest and loudest thing that had happened all day. Maybe all week. But once the sirens had faded to a floating wobble in the late afternoon breeze, everything was quiet again. Front doors were shut, curtains closed. Most people who had gathered to watch went back inside their homes.

Two men remained standing on their lawns, which sloped down towards the road between them. They locked eyes and prepared to talk about what had just happened. Drifting smoke and road dust corrupted the air they shared.

“Sounds like they stopped a couple of streets away,” said Jordi.

“What did you say?” said Carl, stepping out onto the road. “Sorry, that noise has deafened me.”

“The fire engines. They turned right at the end there and then back down here, so they must be parallel,” said Jordi. He couldn’t tell for sure, because the view was blocked by his garage, but he looked in that direction anyway.

Carl approached the foot of Jordi’s front lawn, which was peppered with flattened clumps of freshly cut grass. When he got there, Jordi cleared his throat.

“I’m going inside. Do you want a cup of tea? I’m Jordi, by the way.”

“Carl.”

In the kitchen they stood at the sink, looking out the window. It was wide open. The rusty blinds shuddered in the breeze, but the heavy air all around felt inescapably hot. Just beyond Jordi’s garden fence was a bungalow. It was engulfed in jungle of bright flames, which Carl wondered was more orange or yellow. People stood next to a trio of fire engines next to it, and many of them covered their mouths as the plumes of water hosed down the blaze.

“You know what, I reckon that’s that young couple’s place,” said Jordi. He rubbed his beard with his fat, hairy fingers. “Apparently he left her for someone else, and she was having a hard time.”

“What was her name?” said Carl.

“I don’t know,” said Jordi.

“I hope she’s alright,” said Carl.

“Me too, but that looks pretty nasty. It looks like a gas fire,” said Jordi, taking a step back from the window. He put his hands on his hips.

“Not that I know what a gas fire really looks like.”

Carl shook his head. “It’s crazy. I’ve never seen a fire like this before,” he said. “We must be a hundred metres away and we can still hear the flames.”

“Oh my…” said Jordi, pointing. “Look at that.”

An ambulance had stopped on the bungalow’s driveway. Two paramedics got out and opened its rear doors, and the crowd of onlookers split into two around them. Then things got panicky for a second when a satellite dish hurled itself from the roof and smashed into bits on the ground, making children cover their ears from the fire’s pops and squeals. Up above, it was clear which way the wind was blowing by the direction the black smoke had taken through the sky. Its journey looked a bit like a question mark.

“Sarah. That’s the woman’s name. My wife knows her. She’s only our age,” said Jordi. Then he turned to the door and shouted: “Jennifer! Come see this!”

After a while Jennifer showed up in her dressing gown. She tip-toed across the floor tiles towards the sink, and when she got there she pushed the tap’s spout around to the left and wiped the damp draining board with a tea towel. Then she looked out of the window.

“Isn’t that your friend Sarah’s house?” said Jordi.

A few moments of silence passed. Then a few more.

Jennifer was taking so long to respond that things were becoming uncomfortable for Carl. She stood there, mesmerised, her body trembling.

“It is,” she said.

Outside, paramedics carried a stretcher into the back of the ambulance. Parents covered the eyes of their children, who were still covering their ears.

“Do you know this woman?” said Carl.

Jennifer spun around and looked at him.

Carl scratched his head, instead of going for a handshake.

“Sorry, I’m Carl. I live across the street.”

“Sarah and I go back a long way, but we weren’t really close,” said Jennifer. She was struggling to speak through her tears. “Her boyfriend left her about three months ago.”

Jennifer looked back at the fire and gasped.

“She’d made a go of it with some other guy without a second thought, but he…” said Jennifer, but this time she couldn’t finish her sentence.

“I’m sorry, I’ve got to go.”

She stormed out of the kitchen and slammed the door. “Nice to meet you,” said Carl. Then he turned to Jordi and said: “I think I should go.”

“Why?”

“She looked pretty upset. I feel like I’m in the way,” said Carl.

“Nonsense. She’ll be OK,” said Jordi. “But let’s get out of here.” Smiling reassuringly, he led Carl out of the kitchen and into the living room at the front of the house. “I think we’ve been watching long enough.”

Carl saw how untidy the living room was. Thick slices of dust rested atop a stack of records next to the fireplace, which was being used as a bin. The arms of the sofa were torn, and the carpet was coated with hair clippings. A clock on the cracked mantelpiece ticked, but told the wrong time.

“It’s right twice a day!” said Jordi, following Carl’s gaze.

Now Carl wished he’d insisted on leaving.

“Do you want a drink? I’ve got all sorts,” said Jordi.

“No, I really shouldn’t stay long,” said Carl. “I can’t.”

“Can’t, or won’t? Come on, we’re neighbours!” said Jordi. “What you having?”

He climbed out of his armchair and walked back into the kitchen.

“We’ve got beer, wine, whisky…”

Carl didn’t respond.

“What’s this stuff. Cointreau,” Jordi said, pronouncing it incorrectly. “Mojito mix. Wait, that’s way out of date.”

“I’ll take a beer,” said Carl.

There were two sharp hissing sounds from the kitchen, before Jordi returned with two opened bottles. He put one down on the coffee table next to Carl and said: “There you go, buddy.”

Carl was pleased they were only stubbies.

The ambiance in the living room was different to the kitchen. There were no flames to look at, or sirens to hear. No drama. Just two men who didn’t really know each other. Carl could see his front garden from where he was sat. Jordi saw him looking.

“So… nice garden. You been mowing recently?” said Jordi.

Sometime later they were laughing loudly about Jennifer’s mother.

“And let me tell you, I couldn’t look at her in the eye for at least a month!” said Jordi.

Carl snorted and rolled another empty bottle onto the coffee table. Its rim left a wet trail as it nestled gently into the other dozen or so, which were arranged in a line. He looked up at Jordi and shrugged apologetically.

“Really, it’s fine,” said Jordi. “Are you kidding me? Have you seen the state of this room? It’s fine.”

They burst into hysterics again, and only the sight of the streetlights flickering on outside broke their laughter a few minutes later.

“Wow, time has flown,” said Carl.

“You know what, I think this is one of the times of day that the clock is telling the right time,” said Jordi. He was slurring. “What time is it?”

The clock was frozen at twenty-five past nine.

“Well, I’ll be damned,” said Carl, looking at his watch. “It’s nine twenty-five.”

“Told you!” Jordi laughed. “It’s right twice a day.”

Carl rubbed dry the trail of beer on the coffee table with his sleeve, and dust became embedded in the fibres of his sweater. It was the start of a protracted silence, which Carl tried to ignore by again looking at his house across the street. The upstairs light was on.

“Do you believe in coincidences?” said Jordi.

The question caught Carl off guard.

“I guess so,” he said feebly. “Wasn’t that just a coincidence?”

Jordi smiled at Carl and said: “I don’t believe in them. I think all that stuff’s bullshit.”

He laughed loudly. Carl shook his head and laughed as if he understood some kind of subtext.

Jordi looked towards the open living room door and shouted: “Jennifer, get in here! Come downstairs!”

They heard Jennifer’s distant footsteps through the ceiling. She was moving slowly. Soon enough her slim figure appeared in the doorway. She stood there with her arms folded, dressed about 10 years older than she was, in a blue cardigan and a white blouse. Her lower half was covered by a flowery dress that revealed nothing of her legs.

“How much have you had?” she asked Jordi.

Jordi looked at Carl.

“Carl, how much have we had?” he said. He expected a witty response.

“Not enough,” said Carl, shaking his head bashfully.

Jordi laughed.

“There you go, honey, not enough,” he said, turning back to his wife.

“Sarah died in that fire,” said Jennifer.

“Oh, honey. I don’t know what to say,” said Jordi. “You weren’t that close, were you?”

He took a swig of his beer, but lifted the bottle too high, and had to wipe his chin afterwards.

Jennifer narrowed her eyes contemptuously and said: “We were close enough, Jordi!”

She walked over to the vacant armchair, sat down and sobbed for a long time.

Carl sobered up quickly as the minutes ticked by.

“I was closer to Pete, but he’d left her for some other girl,” she said. “He killed her. Pete killed her!”

“When did you hear about this?” said Jordi.

“About Pete?”

“No, about Sarah.”

“It’s all over the news, Jordi.”

Jennifer rose from the armchair.

“Maybe if you weren’t too busy getting drunk, you’d realise that someone close to us has died,” she said. She slammed the door shut and marched upstairs. Then slammed another door.

“I should get off,” said Carl, making for the doorway.

“I’m sorry about that,” said Jordi.

“It’s fine, she’s obviously upset,” said Carl. “And I think you should talk to her.”

Jordi nodded.

“I’ll just – ”

“I’ll show you out,” said Jordi.

Out on the driveway, the air smelt strongly of smoke, but it wasn’t anywhere near as hot it was before.

“See you around,” said Carl.

“Do you take ketamine?” said Jordi.

Carl stopped halfway across the road, and turned around.

“What?” he said.

“Do you take ketamine?” Jordi said again. “Like, ever?”



———

Click here for more Prose

Click here to follow clarkspeak on Twitter

19.10.13

The Former Sports Star


“Some people belong in school.”

The former sports star grinned annoyingly as he stood at the bar with his upper body wrapped in a pink shirt, the collar raised. His hair looked every hour that had passed since it was wet-combed, and his fingertips were all yellow from smoking. A cheap tattoo struggled to make its banal point over the acne scars on his neck. The former sports star laughed and spoke loudly with his two broad-shouldered buddies, who wore similar clothes. They pushed each other around playfully, spilling beer from the branded glasses they were holding, onto a floor peppered with their smudged footprints. Their shadows danced across the TV screen on the wall. It was noon. Long rectangles of sunlight moved gradually north-west across the bar's open-brick interior, as a man with a soul patch read a newspaper and a young couple ate brunch. A barmaid made a coffee machine hiss and splutter. Sting played on the radio.

The former sports star didn’t like it when his two buddies left him. He found himself drinking faster while he waited for them to return. The vermillion red of the former sports star's flushed face appeared at odds with eyes still wild from the previous night's chemicals. Beads of sweat made his temples shine. It was winter and the radiators had been going all day. He felt the couple eating brunch looking his way, and wondered whether his posture was questionable. After pretending to admire the generic canvas prints lining the walls, his gaze fell inevitably on the TV screen, which was showing football. It showed little else.

Between the ages of 11 and about 18, the former sports star played football at every competitive junior level. He’d captained teams in tournament finals, scored important goals, made rousing half-time speeches, and got pretty close to the summit of what a young footballer could achieve. Throughout the transcendental highs and lows, and the pervasive, harassing pressure from his coaches, the whole sporting experience had conditioned him to believe that the only ability absolutely necessary in a person was the ability to deal effectively with abuse and criticism. This explained why he'd picked on weaker kids back in school. It wasn’t about demonstrating his authority – it was about encouraging them to stand up for themselves, and he became offended when people like Stone wouldn't. He did stuff to Stone that neither of them told anyone about, for opposite reasons.

Even in his best years, there were times when the former sports star would be sat in Geography, looking out over the dark trees, the wind and the rain, despairing as he remembered that he had morning practice in an hour. His life changed when he met Kate. With every confidence he was doing the right thing, he sacrificed the seven years of training and a more-or-less-guaranteed career for that long, perfect summer when neither of them had any worries in the world. They became each other's first times. They made plans for the future. She went to university and got into books, while he got a job and saved. He went to visit her a couple months later, when she'd started calling herself Rice. When she kissed differently. When it was all over. He blamed her for changing, and himself for not. It was around then that he began needing a strong drink after every shift at work.

The former sports star watched the TV screen with a clenched jaw. His two buddies were unconscious upstairs. The couple eating brunch were still looking at him.

“Some people just belong in school...” Stone said again to Rice, wiping his mouth with a napkin.


———

Click here for more Prose

Click here to follow clarkspeak on Twitter

Click here to follow clarkspeak on Facebook

8.5.13

25 Great Lines from Infinite Jest

Published by Sabotage Times

David Foster Wallace's 1996 novel Infinite Jest is the most challenging book I've ever read. Its plot is complex – touching on subjects such as sports culture, substance rehabilitation centres, depression, child abuse, family relationships, film theory, Quebec separatism and popular entertainment, and shifting between the experiences of a few dozen characters across different periods of time. It is printed in very fine text, which runs right into the far corners of its 1,079 pages, and has footnotes – which have footnotes.

Yet it glows with the most beautiful sentences and paragraphs.

Infinite Jest (the clue's in the title) took me the best part of a year to get through – one-third the length of time it apparently took its author to write. Here are its highlights, which you can enjoy in just a few minutes.





1

If, by the virtue of charity of the circumstance of desperation, you ever chance to spend a little time around a Substance-recovery halfway facility like Enfield MA’s state-funded Ennet House, you will acquire many exotic new facts. You will find out…

That chronic alcoholics’ hearts are – for reasons no M.D. has been able to explain – swollen to nearly twice the size of civilians’ human hearts, and they never again return to normal size. That there’s a certain type of person who carries a picture of their therapist in their wallet. That black and Hispanic people can be as big or bigger racists than white people, and then can get even more hostile and unpleasant when this realization seems to surprise you. That some people really do look like rodents. That certain persons simply will not like you no matter what you do. That over 50% of persons with a Substance addiction suffer from some other recognized form of psychiatric disorder, too. That purposeful sleep-deprivation can also be an abusable escape. That you do not have to like a person in order to learn from him/her/it. That loneliness is not a function of solitude. That it is possible to get so angry you really do see everything red. That evil people never believe they are evil, but rather that everyone else is evil. That it is statistically easier for low-IQ people to kick an addiction than it is for high-IQ people. That sometimes human beings have to just sit in one place and, like, hurt. That there is such a thing as raw, unalloyed, agendaless kindness. That cats will in fact get violent diarrhoea if you feed them milk, contrary to the popular image of cats and milk. That it is simply more pleasant to be happy than to be pissed off. That pretty much everybody masturbates. That different people have radically different ideas of basic personal hygiene. That, perversely, it is often more fun to want something than to have it. That having sex with someone you do not care for feels lonelier than not having sex in the first place, afterward. That God might regard the issue of whether you believe there’s a God or not as fairly low on his/her/its list of things if s/he/it’s interested in re you.

- pp. 200–205




2

An alcohol hangover was definitely no frolic in the psychic glade, all thirsty and sick and your eyes bulging and receding with your pulse, but after a night of involved hallucinogens Hal said the dawn seemed to confer on his psyche a kind of pale sweet aura, a luminescence.


- p. 218




3

Though Schacht buys quarterly urine like the rest of them, it seems to Pemulis that Schacht ingests the occasional chemical that way grownups who sometimes forget to finish their cocktails drink liquor: to make a tense but fundamentally OK interior life interestingly different but no more.


- p. 267




4

Schacht was just looping the d in mail fraud when Jim Troeltsch’s pseudo-radio program, backed by its eustacian-crumpling operatic soundtrack, came over 112 West House’s E.T.A.-intercom speaker up over the classroom clock.


- p. 308




5

Pemulis’s face is the face of a man who will someday need blood pressure medication.


- p. 333




6

F.F. had taken Gately out for eye-rattling amounts of coffee, after the incident with the table and the head. He’d listened with the slight boredom of detached Identification to Gately’s complaint that there was no way something he didn’t understand enough to even start to believe in was seriously going to be interested in helping save his ass, even if He/She/It did in some sense exist.


- p. 468







7

… Lucien finally dies, rather a while after he’s quit shuddering like a clubbed muskie and seemed to them to die, as he finally sheds his body’s suit, Lucien finds his gut and throat again and newly whole, clean and unimpeded, and is free, catapulted home over fans and the Convexity’s glass palisades at desperate speeds, soaring north, sounding a bell-clear and nearly maternal alarmed call-to-arms in all the world’s well-known tongues.


- p. 488




8

So then like strategically, at the Brookline Young People’s Mtg. over on Beacon near the Newton line on a Wednesday, at the raffle-break, at 2109h., Lenz moistens his half-gasper and puts it carefully back in the pack and yawns and stretches and does a quick pulse-check and gets up and saunters casually into the Handicapped head with the lockable door and the big sort of crib built around the shitter itself for crippled lowering onto the toilet and does like maybe two, maybe three generous lines of Bing off the top of the toilet-tank and wipes the tank-top off both before and after with wet paper towels, ironically rolling up the same crisp buck he’d brought for the meeting’s collection and utilizing it and cleaning it thoroughly with his finger and rubbing his gums with the finger and then putting his head way back in the mirror to check the kidney-shaped nostrils of his fine aqua-line nose for clinging evidence in the trim hair up there and tasting the bitter drip in the back of his frozen throat and taking the clean rolled buck and back-rolling it and smoothing it out and hammering it with his fist on the lip of the sink and folding it neatly into half of half its original Treasury Dept. size so that all evidence anybody ever even had a passing thought of rolling the buck into a hard tight tube is, like anileated.


- pp. 555–556




9

Mr. Green howls with bitterly professional practical-gag mirth and clunks over and slaps little Bruce on the back so hard that Brucie expels a lime Gummi Bear he’d been eating – this too a visual memory, contextless and creepy – which arcs across the living room and lands in the fireplace’s fire with a little green siss of flame.


- p. 580





10

… Green had gotten so uncomfortably fascinated and repelled and paralyzed by the Polynesian tunes that he’d set up a cabana-chair right by the kegs and had sat there overworking the pump on the kegs and downing one plastic cup after another of beer-foam until he got so blind drunk his sphincter had failed and he’d not only pissed but also actually shit his pants, for only the second time ever, and the first public time ever, and was mortified with complexly layered shame, and had to ease very gingerly into the nearest-by head and remove his pants and wipe himself off like a fucking baby, having the shut one eye to make sure which him he saw was him …


- p. 584




11

Stice, oblivious, bites into his sandwich like it’s the wrist of an assailant. The only sound at the table for the first few minutes is of forkwork and mastication and the slight gasping sounds of people trying to breathe while they eat. You rarely speak for the first few minutes here, eating. Supper is deadly-serious. Some of the kids even start on their trays while still in line at the milk dispenser. Now Coyle bites in. Wayne had made his entrée into a sandwich and lowers and bites. Keith Freer’s eyes are half closed as his jaw muscles bulge and slacken. Some of the players’ inclined heads are hard to see over the height of their food.


- p. 627




12

The milk dispenser stands alone against the west wall, a big huge 24-liter three-bagger, the milk inserted in ovaloid mammarial bags into its refrigerated cabinet of brushed steel, with three receptacles for tumblers and three levers for controlled dispensing.


- p. 631




13

One kind is low-grade and sometimes gets called anhedonia or simple melancholy. It’s a kind of spiritual torpor in which one loses the ability to feel pleasure or attachment to things formerly important. The avid bowler drops out of his league and stays home at night staring dully at kick-boxing cartridges. The gourmand is off his feed. The sensualist finds his beloved Unit all of a sudden to be so much feelingless gristle, just hanging there. The devoted wife and mother finds the thought of her family about as moving, all of a sudden, as a theorem of Euclid. It’s a kind of emotional novocaine, this form of depression, and while it’s not overtly painful its deadness is disconcerting and … well, depressing. Kate Gompert’s always thought of this anhedonic state as a kind of radical abstracting of everything, a hollowing out of stuff that used to have affective content. Terms the undepressed toss around and take for granted as full and fleshy – happiness, joie de vivre, preference, love – are stripped of their skeletons and reduced to abstract ideas. They have, as it were, denotation but not connotation. The anhedonic can still speak about happiness and meaning et al., but she has become incapable of feeling anything in them, of understanding anything about them, or of believing them to exist as anything more than concepts. Everything becomes an outline of the thing. Objects become schemata. The world becomes a map of the world.


- pp. 692–693




14

The vaporizer chugs and seethes and makes the room’s windows weep as Jim Troeltsch inserts a pro-wrestling cartridge in the little TP’s viewer and dons his tackiest sportscoat and wet-combs his hair down smooth so it looks toupeeish and settles back on his bunk, surrounded by Seldane-bottles and two-ply facial tissue, preparing the call the action.


- p. 700







15

Some woman just outside the door near the demi-maison’s front door, she laughed in the manner of an automatic weapon. Wet sounds were audible from beneath the rear leg of the dog with private organs, of which the head hid beneath the raised leg.


- p. 748




16

… It wasn’t until Madame Psychosis got to college and gradually acquired some psychic distance and matter for emotional comparison that she even began to see how creepy her reagent-Daddy’s regression had been, and not until a certain major-sports-star son’s autograph on a punctured football inspired more e-mailed suspicion and sarcasm than gratitude from home in KY that she began even to suspect that her lack of social life throughout puberty might have had as much to do with her Daddy’s intrusive discouragement as with her actaeonizing pubescent charms.


- p. 793




17

The quiet has a kind of menace. The whole cubular building seems to Hal to hold the tensed menace of a living thing that’s chosen to hold itself still.


- p. 798




18

Tears and other fluids flow and roll. The warm round leader Harv’s own eyes are a moist glassy blue. The CD scanner’s cello is now into some sort of semi-jazzy pizzicato stuff that seems oxymoronic against the room’s mood.


- p. 804





19

As Death’s explanation of Death goes on Gately understands really important vague stuff more and more, but the more he understands the sadder he gets, and the sadder he gets the more unfocused and wobbly becomes his vision of the Death’s Joelle siting nude on the pink plastic ring, until near the end it’s as if he’s seeing her through a kind of cloud of light, a milky filter that’s the same as the wobbly blur through which a baby sees a parental face bending over its crib, and he begins to cry in a way that hurts his chest, and asks Death to set him free and be his mother, and Joelle either shakes or nods her lovely unfocused head and says: Wait.


- pp. 850–851





20

He made whoever he got high with feel lonely. He got real, like, interior.


- p. 893





21

… It’s obvious the guy pathetically thinks this kind of limp condescending shit will impress her. Gately’s got to admit he would have tried to impress her, too, though, if she hadn’t met him by holding a kidney-shaped pan under his working anus.


- p. 921





22

… A blue forked bolt of pain from his sudden striking-out sends him back against his hot pillow with an arched spine and a tube-impeded scream, his eyes rolling back into the dove-colored light of whatever isn’t quite sleep.


- pp. 933–934





23

The intercom calmly dinged. He heard conversing people in the hall passing the open door and stopping for a second to look in, but still conversing. It occurred to him if he died everybody would still exist and go home and eat and X their wife and go to sleep.


- p. 973





24

The umpires on the U.S. junior tour tend to be retired high-school principals whose only renumeration is the chance to exercise again some slight authority over the young.


- p. 1030 (n. #158)





25

Sometimes at odd little times of day the E.T.A. males’ locker room downstairs in Comm.-Ad. is empty, and you can go in there and sort of moon around and listen to the showers drip and the drains gurgle. You can feel the odd stunned quality customarily crowded places have at empty times.


- p. 1066 (n. #324)





If getting through that felt like a Herculean effort, then try reading the whole thing...



24.2.13

My Video Game Hell: I Played 3000 Games of Funky Snooker


Published by Sabotage Times

How I ended up playing a ridiculous number of games of a Flash-based snooker game and told a multitude of people to bore off and screw a goat...


In my final year at university, I played more than 3,000 games of Funky Snooker. I lost my family, my friends, my house, my job… OK, it didn’t get quite that bad, but I sure as hell threw away a lot of my time.

It started with a click, like everything does these days. Pretty soon there were a few dozen twisted cigarette stubs in my ashtray, it was dark outside, and I was still clicking. I don’t know how many games I was getting through per day back then, but I knew it was pretty serious when typing F into my internet toolbar brought up its URL instead of Facebook’s.

I didn’t see the harm. Everyone has their own virtual vice, and mine wasn’t nearly as bad as poker or in-play betting – where money was at stake.

Funky Snooker is an online snooker hall where you can compete with players from all over the world. Each game affects your ranking – you start off on 675; if you’re half decent you’ll reach about 750; experts are around the 800 mark; the one-percent elite hover between 850 and 900.

To you it might sound as dull as hearing someone’s sphincter opening in a toilet cubicle at work on a Monday morning, but I found it challenging, invigorating, and exciting.

The site also allows you to converse with the strangers you’re playing against. One memorable chat I recall was with a guy who worked in a call centre. After quick one-off became a best-of-seven, he wished me all the best. “Sooner or later you’ll settle down,” he started. “But don’t end up like me – thirty years old, in a job you hate, playing online snooker games when your boss isn’t looking.”


It wasn’t usually this civilised. Far from it. In one of my first sessions, I was closing in on an unlikely victory against an 800-ranker. I’d adopted a tactical game that had stifled his blitzkrieg approach and given me a ten-point lead heading on to the final few colours. However, I got my angles all wrong on the blue, which rebounded agonisingly between the jaws of the centre-left pocket. He cleared up, wrote “BOOOOOOOOOOM YA TWAT ;)”, then left.

People fired insults like this all the time, but I never rose to it. If I happened to win a game in which I’d been on the receiving end of some abuse, I considered that a comeback in itself. If someone was being a dick and ended up beating me, I just flared my nostrils and carried on playing. What’s that? I should have been a sports psychologist? Don’t make me blush.

I think it was after a shopping trip to Lidl ended up a couple of quid more expensive than I expected it to be that I flipped. A guy was trying to put me off by saying stuff like “I hope your dad dies of cancer” and “has anyone ever told you your profile pic makes you look like a scrotum wart?” (It totally did – the only photo I had of myself under the 100KB limit didn’t quite catch my best side.) I threw everything I had behind winning that game, just to teach him a lesson. I was ranking in the 750s by this point, so I was pretty confident. It went down to a tense black ball re-spot, which I won.

Then I inexplicably fell to his level. “Haha, you cunt, fuck you,” I typed. “I do my talking on the table.” I went to hit the Leave Room option, determined to have the last word, before adding “BOOOOOOOOOOM YA TWAT ;)”.

This so wasn’t me. I’ve never had a fight in my life – but it was satisfying, I’m ashamed to say. And it continued. Many subsequent arguments would begin with the other player calling me “lucky”, to which I’d reply “nah, it’s called talent mate. Now go screw a goat”. I never wished death on anyone’s father, but I did try to wind people up at every opportunity. I don’t know why.

After graduating, I quit smoking and went travelling. I played a bit more Funky Snooker when I returned, while I was looking for a job, but it wasn’t the same. I’d peaked.

I’ll be honest – I might’ve had a couple of games in between writing these sentences, for research. My profile now reads: Wins 1,649; Losses 2,066; Abandoned 300; Highest Break 78; Half Centuries 49; Highest Rank 824.6. I’m now ranking in the 670s, so I’m back where I started. Which says a lot, I suppose.

———

Click here for more Misc

Click here to follow clarkspeak on Twitter

Click here to follow clarkspeak on Facebook

22.10.12

Russian Ark


We named it after a film, and there are only ever four of us doing it. The same four. It just feels better that way. We trust each other, because we know more or less how we act when we’re doing it. It’d just be weird if there were anyone else involved. I’m not sure what the others think. Okay, let’s say it were to happen. It would take at least a few times for us all to become familiar with that person being in the room, going through the same process as the rest of us, before it would be genuinely worthwhile for the group. Because it feels pretty powerful, the O.

It’s a very special moment. An important moment. Vaguely religious, we’ve said. I really don’t understand folk who take it at parties, or with people they barely know outside nightclubs. I just don’t get that. They don’t understand O is far better under controlled conditions. Perhaps that’s putting it a little strongly, but, well, how best to put it…

You know how even the best paintings must stay within the confines of a canvas? Or a frame?

Andre gets things started. He invites me over for the evening, usually midweek, and I’m at his door in 15 minutes. After climbing four floors, I collapse on his sofa and throw him a couple of beer bottles to open with his lighter. I still can’t do that. Some people make it look so easy. Apparently the trick is leverage, not force.

Andre’s room’s getting pretty dark by this point. There’s a lamp at the end of his bed – one that he’s had for years, and refuses to replace. He has a tall bookcase that stands in the corner, then there’s his recording equipment, like, everywhere. We’ll share those couple of beers and a cigarette while I talk about my studies, and he plays me some of his recent tunes on his laptop. He’ll never let anyone hear a track that’s unfinished, though.

Jennifer might be there, too – in his bed, or at least en route – while this is happening. Jordi’s usually knocking around in his bedroom, or cooking, or something. I don’t know Jordi as well as Andre.

Sooner or later, all four of us are together, sitting in various positions of comfort on Andre’s furniture. We take a few lines of O, then just sit back and enjoy the trip. Jennifer starts hallucinating pretty much instantly, while the rest of us try to hold conversation as we were. When we begin trailing off mid-sentence, we know we’re almost there. Then my heart starts racing and I begin on this wacky train of thought. Like about how being involved in artistic expression informs how you might choose to handle events in your own life. Like about how life can imitate art’s example of dealing with tragedies in your family, unconsciously. Like about how, in the film I was watching earlier, the score perfectly complemented the tempo of that guy’s voice. Like about how everything’s in some sort of rhythm because everything’s constantly making reactionary movements.

There’s a huge lampshade in Andre’s room. One of those flimsy, baggy, nicotine-yellowed ones ribbed with metal wiring. You’d know what I meant to see one. I had one in the room I shared with my sister, back when we lived with our uncle.

Well, that thing gets interesting. It becomes a focal point for us all. We’re all on our own journeys towards the Zenith, but the lampshade sort of pulls us towards one another. Like the moon. It’s incredible. It’s really, kind of, involving.

So we’re all hanging in the lampshade’s quasi-lunar pull, and we’re very conscious of it. Jordi’s pulling some really strange faces and looks like he’s having a nightmare, while Andre plays the music of some early 20th-century Polish cellist or other and lights some candles. When I arrive at the Zenith, I start seeing things in shapes. Like, a rectangle. A rectangle that’s thick at the top and thin at the bottom. A trapezium, I suppose, packed with particles – small, miniscule dots, each one fending for itself. Despite being gradually inter-connected, there’s a hierarchy among them. Just as in human society. These particles are organisms, creatures, and inside them are all the little aspects that comprise their existence – basically anything that has the capacity to be strong or weak at some level. In human society, we have sport. We have athletes and tennis players. We also have bacteria and diseases. These things are acting selfishly. There are strategies involved in them fighting, desperately, to survive, to become the best. Battling, growing, shrinking. They interact with others for their own gain; to boost their own contentment and morale, which they require to optimise their own performances and therefore rise within the trapezium’s order. Some of the particles learn techniques of achieving this success, while, for others, such knowledge is innate. And these techniques have their doubters and advocates, which live and die like the particles themselves.

You know, perhaps human beings are the most emotionally sensitive organisms in the universe. Above us, in a larger trapezium, to use a relevant metaphor, may exist far more numb, robotic nuances of life.

I catch Jennifer’s eye across the other side of the room. The light’s on. She sits on Andre’s bed, gently rocking her back and tugging the bedsheet beneath her. Her eyes roll backwards before fixing on a stare in my direction. It’s not particularly alluring or erotic – it’s just a locking of eyes, against a wall of colour. In that moment, it’s like we’re mentally fused. Then we begin laughing about something both of us have already forgotten.

After a thing happened involving Jennifer and I taking photos of ourselves, I find myself in the kitchen. I’m looking at one of Jordi’s knives, the point of which is dug into a wooden chopping board on the side. I’m not sure if it’s wobbling slightly. It could actually be very still.

A half-helped-from stir fry stews away in a rusty wok; a stray noodle dangles over the side. The sink is a long way from where I’m stood, or probably leaning. I can just about make out the dishes, which are sprinkled with slowly crusting matter, the bent and/or chipped crockery emerging onto the draining board to the left, and the handles of pans that must have, at some point, been carelessly thrust into this miserable equation where everything’s either wet or cold. But that isn’t really of note. What’s of note is what looks like a pool of blood on the floor beside the washing machine. There’s red trickling from inside the circular door, running along the grooves of the plastic flooring, settling in a watery well about four feet away from where I’m stood. Or leaning.

I want to go over and check it out, but the O is making me feel like I’m wearing boots that weigh thirty times what they do. My fingers have pins and needles, but my focus is sharp. Everything I see is given an angled embellishment, and I find myself staring at objects unexpectedly. For how long, I’m not sure.

The dial on the machine is lit up, and the timer is blinking 16:32, which is impossible. I come to the conclusion that it’s better I go back in the room with Andre, Jordi and Jennifer, in Andre’s room, where I find out pretty quickly that what I thought was blood isn’t blood – it’s juice. Juice. They’re laughing at me, and I recall seeing the knife, its blade sitting deep in the chopping board, and wonder why it ever seemed so menacing in the first place. After that I, for just a few moments, begin thinking as if I’m in a psychiatric ward. I begin examining my most significant flaws as a person, which include


1) Worrying about what others think of me.

a. Am I an embarrassment?
b. Am I a let-down?

And also

2) Why do I always want people to be pleased with me?

(One day, I should probably tell you about my uncle.)


So, having laughed at me for thinking it was blood trickling from the washing machine, Andre, Jordi and Jennifer’re all now just laid there, dreaming, silent. The moon shines in through the window. Cars pull up at red lights on the road outside. Even with Andre’s place this much higher than the street, I can hear them. Street sweepers, too. Jennifer exhales and waves her hands in the air. Some time before, when we’d locked eyes, maybe, her hand-waving would have appeared beautifully rhythmic, superbly synchronised with the ticking or buzzing of something else. But not now. Now it’s the dead of night. Now it’s clearly time to go.

My wired mind drags my sleeping skin off the sofa, and each considered stride towards the door feels like a Herculean effort, as the O clings on defiantly. When I eventually make it out, my boots mark frost on the street as an icy wind stings my throat like a cigarette before work. I pass through the city’s dying sodium nightlife and ask myself: was that fun?

A few nights later, when I get bored again, I decide that it was.

———

Click here for more Prose

Click here to follow clarkspeak on Twitter

Click here to follow clarkspeak on Facebook

16.10.08

Assessing 'Smart Drugs'

Published by Qmunicate

Qmunicate's controversial columnist investigates smart drugs.

Procrastination. Hmm – it's strange that even writing that word almost slips me into Useless Mode; gazing into the most unusual corners of the World Wide Web and choking my ashtray with dozens of twisted cigarettes stubs. It's a part of our academic lives which we're all frustratingly used to. However, in May, I decided that these I'll-do-it-later binges were becoming ridiculous and must stop. I had an exam the following afternoon, and despite surrounding myself with a dozen books and a few mountains of lecture notes, I hadn't read a word since settling down to do so four hours before.

It was then, in that moment of procrastination, I stumbled upon an article which seemed to suggest its antidote. The article held my concentration for longer than any YouTube video or Wikipedia page had that evening.

It said that there was a huge debate about the increasing use by students of 'smart drugs', which were, they said, “Viagra for the brain”. Modafinil was originally designed in the seventies to treat narcoleptics and later for sufferers of ADHD. However, in clinical trials, the article said, scientists had discovered something odd: if you give it to non-sufferers, it just makes them smarter. Their memory and concentration levels improve remarkably, and so does their academic performance.

Modafinil doesn't work as an amphetamine or a stimulant – it doesn't make you high, or wired – it simply works by limiting the brain's natural tendency to become sluggish or sleepy, so you can maintain a heightened line of concentration all day, and all night, or all week if you want.

I always felt sympathy for Medics who moaned at their 8-hour days and exams that ran deep into June, but was this their best-kept secret? It sounded perfect. “I get up at 5am, take a 200mg tablet, then go back to sleep for an hour. Then I get up feeling completely refreshed, and can work flat-out until 1am the following morning – I did that for a whole week,” said an undergraduate from Oxford University of a typical Modafinil day.

When my exams were over, I decided to look into getting hold of some Modafinil ahead of the new academic year. I'd heard from friends that you could get a supply by coercing someone with an irregular sleep pattern (a night-shift worker for example) into getting a prescription on your behalf. I'd also been told – to my amazement – that by feigning ADHD you can pick up a prescription of Ritalin, which works in a similar way. But after a few clicks online, they were in my shopping cart – just £30 for a month's supply, from an Indian pharmacy.

It was only at this point, the cursor hovering over the Proceed To Checkout button, that a powerful yet inconvenient wave of morality engulfed me. I was watching the news, and Dwain Chambers was on. Chambers was unable to join Team GB at the Olympics this year, because drug tests had proven him guilty of taking banned 'performance-enhancing' substances at the previous Olympics. So what's the difference between Modafinil for students and steroids for athletes? I thought.

It would also be silly to try the drugs without medical opinion. So when I returned back to Glasgow, I called Matthew Walters, a former senior lecturer in Medicine and an Honorary Physician at Western Infirmary, to arrange a discussion. While he admitted that “there is evidence that Modafinil promotes wakefulness, preserves one's attention and advances specific memory cells,” Matthew expressed a doubt on the health implications surrounding students taking them. “Even if it works for an exam or two, it can affect a person's mood or behaviour, and in the long-term, brain damage is a huge, huge risk. The Modafinil you can buy online is unlicensed and mostly untested. It could be contaminated, and, most dangerously, is supplied in compounds so strong that people who don't need it would struggle to shake off its short-term effects.”

Matthew also said that there isn't much knowledge regarding Modafinil in the medical profession – very few studies have actually been performed recently – and he attributed the popularity of 'smart drugs' to the pressures placed on university students today.

I began to think how dull the West End would be if everyone managed to obtain Modafinil – nobody wasting time, ever. The parks and the bars would be empty. University Avenue would extend to Byres Road and the library would need to grow at least six times its size to cater for the huge demand in computers and desks, in front of which all students would be huddled, each upgraded to Version 2.0s of themselves.

In the end, it's the lack of knowledge about what it could do to my brain that was a deal-breaker for me. Matthew's strong discouragement rang through my rusty, sluggish brain as I made my way back to a room full of books I intend to read, and essays I intend to write.