Showing posts with label Culture. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Culture. Show all posts

11.4.16

About the hipster



Did the hipster eat the last bit of yesterday's stir fry for breakfast this morning? Or was it a greasy spoon bacon butty with ketchup? Would that explain the bloody red stain on his shirt, given to him as a birthday present by his brother a few years ago?

Does the hipster make small talk with the old man sat next to him at the café as he waits for his friend to arrive? Or with the barista before he ordered his drink? What do they talk about? Does the old man, also alone, talk about the graffiti that’s being hosed off the shop shutters across the street? Is his outrage, based on his friendship with the shop owner, rather than his opinion on the graffiti's image of a dog with human teeth, spoken? Has the hipster ever had a conversation with an old person, or a stranger? Does that explain his nervous nail-biting, a habit that dates back to his early teens?

How long does it take to make the hipster's flat white with soya milk? How long should it? Are some baristas better at making certain drinks than others? For example, are there cappuccino and mocha specialists? Are the staff competitive at making designs in the milky froth? Do some make flowers and others love hearts, and how far does that fall along gender lines? Or has the cafe got a particular style, based on managerial preference? Is that style respected even on the manager's days off?

Why does the hipster feel strange when the song I Should Be So Lucky is played at the café? Why does the hipster feel strange when the barista laughs as the chorus kicks in?

Will the hipster be relieved when his friend turns up, or does he like being alone with his thoughts? What does he think about? His week at work? His ill mother? A girl? Does the hipster worry about the future? Does the hipster worry about the present? Does the hipster wonder what his life might be like had he not left his home town and moved to the city? Does the hipster think his A Levels alone will be enough to get a job that he likes? How long-term are his hopes and dreams? Are they based on the ambitions he had as a kid, or on what his peers are doing today?

Does the hipster consider himself a giving person? Do others? Has the hipster enough money to spend in the café for the rest of the afternoon? What’s the hipster’s socio-economic background? Given his public school education and family-subsidised living situation, does the hipster consider himself privileged? How does he compare himself with the old man, the barista, or the guys removing the graffiti from the shop shutters? With whom does he feel closest to? Has the hipster ever voted?

Does the hipster feel more or less important in the café than he does in his apartment’s living room? Does he wear those same chinos when he’s lounging around at home, or pyjamas? Does it depend on who else is around? How many different pairs of trousers does he have? Did he buy them all himself?

How does the hipster compare himself with the young men on the table next to his? Has he noted the difference in quality between his shoes and theirs? Between his chinos and theirs? What bits of conversation does he overhear? Why does he not feel angry when one of them reveals his support for eugenics, given that his mother is critical ill in hospital? Is it primarily because he's never felt such affection towards his family, or because she's been ill a long time? Or did he just not hear the person properly?

Is the hipster aware of the fact that the café flooded just two months before? Is he aware that the café’s owner is being investigated for insurance fraud? How well does the hipster know the café staff? How well does he think he knows them? Would he respect their opinions in a political debate? Does he trust them?

How close is the hipster to other people? Do people consider him shy or rude for not talking much? How many people are in his circle of friends, and do they consider him an important part of that circle, or just on the periphery? To what extent does he define his personal qualities by the memory of one of his first girlfriends saying he was a good listener, as the blue dawn appeared just as everyone else had left the party? When’s the last time the hipster called his mother? Are his chats with his father just watered-down versions of these conversations?

Is the hipster even slightly concerned at the health implications the flat white with soya milk will have on his body? Has he noted the quality of the air in the café? Is he uncomfortable enough on his wooden chair, which has no cushion, to get up and stand at the bar instead? Is the hipster tired of hanging out in cafés? Is he doing what he wants to be doing, or because he feels like he has to? Is he tired generally? How well does he sleep?

Is there a Wi-Fi connection in the café? If yes, is the name and password signposted at the bar, or does it have to be asked for? How much does the hipster spend a month on his phone? £20? £40? How long does his battery last? What does that say about him?

The barista behind the bar – who is she? Is it obvious to people that she’s been working there for many years? How much does the barista make in tips? Have they got a tips jar at the bar, or do people just add an extra few pounds onto their bill? Is it easier for the café owner to distribute the tips one way or the other? Does the barista take home the tips in cash? Are they usually less than she expects them to be? How much less?

Will everyone do and feel this again in a week's time?


———

Click here for more Prose

Click here to follow clarkspeak on Twitter

25.11.13

#foundfiction – The Publishing Experiment That Connects with Readers Around the World



#foundfiction is a publishing experiment that aims to circulate new writing in public spaces around the world. At bus stops, on trains, in parks, bookshops and art galleries, it's been dropping short stories contained in envelopes marked READ ME – sort of like a message-in-a-bottle type of thing.

The idea behind the project is simple. When someone stumbles upon a piece of #foundfiction, they let people know by finding #foundfiction through the hashtag on Twitter or Facebook, and hopefully their day has been brightened. That’s it.

#foundfiction is not trying to compete with the big publishing houses or the ebooks market – it's trying to get through to readers by being in the right place at the right time.


It's keen to hear from any creative writers – emerging or established. They can send their material to fictionfound@gmail.com, and it will be printed and distributed for free. The project is purely about writing and reading. It’s all anonymous, so while the writers themselves won’t be getting exposure, their work will – and they can be safe in the knowledge that they’re getting a global, yet unsuspecting, readership.

#foundfiction is only a few months old, but it's already established a network of writers and distributors around the UK – and as far as the USA, Canada and Australia.


As for what the future holds, I'm not so sure. Perhaps it will extend its community across the world and potentially have pieces of #foundfiction translated into different languages, but who knows what’s around the corner? What it has is not a business model, but a quirky concept that can inspire people. If it ends up changing the world, it’ll be one envelope at a time.

#foundfiction on Twitter, Facebook and Google Maps


———

Click here for more Culture

Click here to follow clarkspeak on Twitter

29.10.13

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo: Why I Love TV's Trashiest and Happiest Show


Published by Sabotage Times




I’m a 27-year-old man. I like walks in the Cotswolds, oak furniture, and single malt whisky – particularly from the Islay region. My history degree is printed in Latin. I’ve read the complete works of Raymond Carver, and I don’t watch much TV – but by God, I love Here Comes Honey Boo Boo on TLC.

The reality show follows the redneck Thompson family – child beauty pageant contestant Alana “Honey Boo Boo”, stay-at-home Mama June, chalk-mining dad “Sugar Bear”, sisters Lauryn “Pumpkin”, Jessica “Chubbs”, Anna “Chickadee”, and her baby Kaitlyn, who was born with three thumbs.

Mountains of coupon-bought toilet rolls line the dining room walls of their crowded house in out-in-the-sticks McIntyre, Georgia. Freight trains pass loudly through the yard, and there’s an abundance of flesh-chewing gnats in the stuffy air. It’s as grim as life gets in America’s Dirty South – at least outside of the motels and trailer parks – but it doesn’t seem so bad, because their home is probably happier than yours.

The TV is always turned off, and there are no laptops or smart phones – so the kids make their own entertainment. This includes the Mystery Mouth challenge, which involves trying to guess the mixtures of food players are hiding in their gobs, and a farting game called Doorknob.

They cook together all the time. One of Mama June’s recipes is ‘sketti’ – spaghetti noodles topped with criminal heaps of butter and ketchup – and that old Southern favourite, pork and beans. There are mass gatherings, with “Poodle”, the homosexual brother of “Sugar Bear”, and, where budgets allow, family outings. Each moment of every day is enjoyed communally, and nothing fazes any of them – “it is what it is” being Mama June’s words to live by.

Yes it’s so very, very trashy, and yes it’s television, but theirs is a refreshing approach to a life in which they don’t have any more than they need, and there’s very little to worry about. Somehow their anti-American Dream seems more fun than the real thing.

So what can we learn from a bunch of good-for-nothing rednecks, with their high levels of cholesterol and often unintelligible patter? Quite a lot, as it turns out.


———

Click here for more Culture

Click here to follow clarkspeak on Twitter

Click here to follow clarkspeak on Facebook

16.7.13

Why It’s a Tragedy That the UK Jack Kerouac Convention in Rotherham Was Cancelled


Published by Sabotage Times


It might have been the only weekend in Rotherham when drainpiped hipsters wearing berets would be safe in numbers.

In July, two all-day events were planned in the South Yorkshire town to celebrate celebrate an icon of the Beat Generation, American writer Jack Kerouac. Academics and special guests – including Carolyn Cassady, a prominent figure in the literary classic On the Road – were to be involved in a weekend of presentations, displays and entertainment at New York Stadium, the home of Rotherham United FC. All proceeds would go to charity.

A formal gathering didn’t seem in the spirit of anything the nocturnal, shagging, intoxicated Beats did – but hey, it’s kind of like when anyone wears a Sex Pistols T-shirt for their office dress-down day. I was up for it.

“Thank you to everybody who tried to make the event happen. We met some lovely people,” tweeted the organisers of the UK Jack Kerouac Convention as they announced its cancellation due to poor ticket sales. “Sorry we didn’t make it. You are all appreciated.”

There must be a plethora of similarly ambitious events that have befallen the same fate. A couple of cocky salesman probably once tried to tap into the car-boot market in the heart of the Amazon rainforest. Maybe a dance troupe once gathered in the West End to hold auditions for a bold new production – Hillsborough: The Musical.

You have to question the logic of hosting such an artsy event in Rotherham, where things perhaps haven’t regenerated as well as they should have done since the mining days. Rotherham, where the EDL has staged marches. Rotherham, where the Chuckle Brothers are from.

But the organisers must have known this. Why wouldn’t locals be interested in discovering this revered author and learning a little about the life, inspiration and hope immortalised on every page of his novels? they must have thought. We only get one life, so why not take a risk?

The cast of Beat Surrender, a play about the writer, which had been scheduled to take place on the Saturday

I can imagine some of the few Rotherham residents who, for whatever reason, were receptive to their message. School-leaver Carl, who now won’t be driven to up sticks and explore the world, having instead spent the weekend being persuaded to follow his father into the factory. Kate might have met some people who would encourage her to pursue her secret writing passions, and become the author she’d dreamed of becoming since reading the Goosebumps books in primary school. But, because the Convention was cancelled, she just ended up having no excuse but to go out on the lash with her embarrassing friends, and meet a trucker who she’ll be too frightened to ever leave.

And others, who’ll just be left with a low opinion of a town that prefers to perpetuate its own misery than embrace other ideas.

I guess we just live in a world where a Jack Kerouac Convention in Rotherham always did sound like a euphemism for an event that was cancelled due to poor ticket sales.

———

Click here for more Society

Click here to follow clarkspeak on Twitter

Click here to follow clarkspeak on Facebook

24.2.13

My Video Game Hell: I Played 3000 Games of Funky Snooker


Published by Sabotage Times

How I ended up playing a ridiculous number of games of a Flash-based snooker game and told a multitude of people to bore off and screw a goat...


In my final year at university, I played more than 3,000 games of Funky Snooker. I lost my family, my friends, my house, my job… OK, it didn’t get quite that bad, but I sure as hell threw away a lot of my time.

It started with a click, like everything does these days. Pretty soon there were a few dozen twisted cigarette stubs in my ashtray, it was dark outside, and I was still clicking. I don’t know how many games I was getting through per day back then, but I knew it was pretty serious when typing F into my internet toolbar brought up its URL instead of Facebook’s.

I didn’t see the harm. Everyone has their own virtual vice, and mine wasn’t nearly as bad as poker or in-play betting – where money was at stake.

Funky Snooker is an online snooker hall where you can compete with players from all over the world. Each game affects your ranking – you start off on 675; if you’re half decent you’ll reach about 750; experts are around the 800 mark; the one-percent elite hover between 850 and 900.

To you it might sound as dull as hearing someone’s sphincter opening in a toilet cubicle at work on a Monday morning, but I found it challenging, invigorating, and exciting.

The site also allows you to converse with the strangers you’re playing against. One memorable chat I recall was with a guy who worked in a call centre. After quick one-off became a best-of-seven, he wished me all the best. “Sooner or later you’ll settle down,” he started. “But don’t end up like me – thirty years old, in a job you hate, playing online snooker games when your boss isn’t looking.”


It wasn’t usually this civilised. Far from it. In one of my first sessions, I was closing in on an unlikely victory against an 800-ranker. I’d adopted a tactical game that had stifled his blitzkrieg approach and given me a ten-point lead heading on to the final few colours. However, I got my angles all wrong on the blue, which rebounded agonisingly between the jaws of the centre-left pocket. He cleared up, wrote “BOOOOOOOOOOM YA TWAT ;)”, then left.

People fired insults like this all the time, but I never rose to it. If I happened to win a game in which I’d been on the receiving end of some abuse, I considered that a comeback in itself. If someone was being a dick and ended up beating me, I just flared my nostrils and carried on playing. What’s that? I should have been a sports psychologist? Don’t make me blush.

I think it was after a shopping trip to Lidl ended up a couple of quid more expensive than I expected it to be that I flipped. A guy was trying to put me off by saying stuff like “I hope your dad dies of cancer” and “has anyone ever told you your profile pic makes you look like a scrotum wart?” (It totally did – the only photo I had of myself under the 100KB limit didn’t quite catch my best side.) I threw everything I had behind winning that game, just to teach him a lesson. I was ranking in the 750s by this point, so I was pretty confident. It went down to a tense black ball re-spot, which I won.

Then I inexplicably fell to his level. “Haha, you cunt, fuck you,” I typed. “I do my talking on the table.” I went to hit the Leave Room option, determined to have the last word, before adding “BOOOOOOOOOOM YA TWAT ;)”.

This so wasn’t me. I’ve never had a fight in my life – but it was satisfying, I’m ashamed to say. And it continued. Many subsequent arguments would begin with the other player calling me “lucky”, to which I’d reply “nah, it’s called talent mate. Now go screw a goat”. I never wished death on anyone’s father, but I did try to wind people up at every opportunity. I don’t know why.

After graduating, I quit smoking and went travelling. I played a bit more Funky Snooker when I returned, while I was looking for a job, but it wasn’t the same. I’d peaked.

I’ll be honest – I might’ve had a couple of games in between writing these sentences, for research. My profile now reads: Wins 1,649; Losses 2,066; Abandoned 300; Highest Break 78; Half Centuries 49; Highest Rank 824.6. I’m now ranking in the 670s, so I’m back where I started. Which says a lot, I suppose.

———

Click here for more Misc

Click here to follow clarkspeak on Twitter

Click here to follow clarkspeak on Facebook

11.11.12

Inside the Bowels of
The Jeremy Kyle Show


Published by Sabotage Times

He's a daytime TV institution and an ally of the disenfranchised, but he really likes it when people cheer for him...


What would you do if a middle-aged woman confided in you this: that she used to be a man who took to binge drinking to combat the frustrations of not being female, and that the hormonal confusions surrounding her subsequent sex change had led her to further alcohol abuse and to regularly fly off the handle in violent rages. Most of us would run a mile, but how's this for advice? “You were a binge drinking man – now you're an alcoholic woman.” Meet Jeremy Kyle, whose daytime programme on ITV reels in millions of us every day.

And here’s where it all begins. Huddled together down a damp, dark avenue outside Granada Studios in Manchester queue The Jeremy Kyle Show’s audience and I – waiting patiently to put our own problems at bay so we can be entertained by a talk show host exploiting other people's.

After bearing the rough edge of the rain for an hour, we are led inside and nudged into a seating area, where a woman holding a clipboard lectures us. She has the energy of a Butlins redcoat. “On today's episodes, we have DNA results!” she enthuses, to the giddy murmurings of this eager crowd. “And remember, you must all show your most extreme emotions together, because Jeremy likes it when you cheer for him.”

We practise in unison our gasps, cheers and boos, and I make a mental note of a group of five who seem to be taking this far too seriously as we make our ways into the studio itself. Chaos reigns for fifteen minutes as many of us are made to swap seats in the name of audience balance. Then, suddenly, the man himself emerges. “Ladies and gentlemen, Jeremy Kyle!” announces the floor manager. Everyone goes wild.

Kyle walks across the stage and takes a seat. Then he breaks into a stand-up routine. “My daughter came from school today, and she's started saying a new word – boys,” he says with a smirk. “Well I'm alright with that, because what boy in their right mind will ever want to go near JEREMY KYLE'S daughter?” The crowd cheers and applauds.

“You alright Will, you twat?” he asks the floor manager. “Listen everybody, Will needs a girlfriend. His last girlfriend was quite rough, so he’s after something a bit more classy.”

It continues like this, with Kyle picking people at random, telling them to “get a job!” or asking: “Are you pregnant? Who's the father!?” and revelling in the laughter of the audience. He seems to enjoy referring to himself in the third person for a while, before he finally gets on with the show.


“So let's bring out Kevin,” Kyle announces. In this episode, Kevin will discover whether he is the biological father of his ex-girlfriend Tasha's unborn child. Tasha, who admitted that she “might have slept with someone on New Year's Eve” while they were still together, is confident that Kevin is the father, and that they could still have a future together. Kevin, still in love with Tasha and willing to forgive her, is hoping that he is the father too. You know the drill.

“Kevin,” Kyle pauses as the audience prepare to go live on their gasp rehearsals, “is NOT the father.” Kevin punches the wall and storms off stage. Tasha begins to cry. Kyle offers some banal advice about “using protection in the future” before quickly cutting to an ad break, and Tasha is ushered quickly off stage.

And it's back to Kyle bathing in his own self-importance. “That was very good,” he says to himself. He doesn't need to be told. “Hey, Dom!” he shouts across the studio. A man fiddling with camera wires looks up. “Don't you feel like you owe your whole career to me?”

Kyle disappears for a few minutes, before re-emerging for two more episodes. A few more gasps, cheers and boos later, and the whole thing is finished. The TV crew pat Kyle on the back, and he grins.

If you've watched the show, you'll know that at the beginning, Kyle enters to a cheering, whooping, applauding audience and shakes a few hands. That must be his favourite part, because after all, “Jeremy likes it when you cheer for him.”

Just as the TV crew are about to let us leave, Kyle speaks up over everyone. “One more thing, guys,” he says with a smile, “can we just do the beginning bit again?”

17.7.12

Festival review: Latitude 2012

Published by theartsdesk

Thursday 12th – Sunday 15th July 2012
Henham Park, Suffolk, UK



As a giggling toddler posed for a photograph next to a pink sheep, a man in a Barbour jacket moaned about losing his garlic-crusher. On the lake, smitten newlyweds enjoyed a gondola ride, while, somewhere else, an elderly couple watched a show so moving it made them cry.

Yes, this could only have happened in one place – the leafy surroundings of Henham Park, near Southwold in Suffolk, at Latitude Festival.

The arts event has just enjoyed its seventh July, and retains a vibrant cultural miscellany. In fact, 750 music, theatre, art, comedy, cabaret, poetry, politics, dance, literature and everything-in-between acts appeared across more than a dozen stages this time around. ‘It’s like the Edinburgh Fringe, but in a field,’ some spectacled reveller enthused, gesturing with a rolled-up broadsheet, as if to further illustrate this point.

Talking of newspapers, this year’s controversy was undoubtedly the introduction of the i Arena (formerly the Sunrise Arena). The change was only in name, of course, affecting neither the general feel of this smaller, more intimate musical stage, nor the variety of bands performing on it. But symbolism is important to some Latitude purists, who bemoan further advances toward – dare I say it – the mainstream.

With no fewer than eight corporate sponsors, and now priced at £175 a weekend ticket, the festival continues to develop in spite of their tuts and sighs. Though, to be honest, I can think of far greater crimes committed that weekend (more on those later), and anyway, isn’t Latitude still ‘more than just a music festival’?

One of the first acts to answer that with a defiant ‘yes’ was Theatre503, which staged new play ‘Billy Chickens Is A Psychopath Superstar’ on Thursday evening. Visceral, satirical and exasperatingly physical, the story of the piece surrounded a charismatic but homicidally unstable cockney gobshite who somehow becomes the media’s flavour of the month.

'Billy Chickens Is A Psychopath Superstar' by Theatre503

The Theatre Arena now stands significantly taller and wider than its smaller, quainter predecessor, where you could relish the finest pleasure in the world – watching a piece of drama with the sound of rain pounding on the canvas above your head.

You might have said I got what I asked for when, that night, I returned to my tent and was forced to appreciate the sound of rain on canvas all night long. Indeed, Suffolk’s sky water inspired a survival-like mentality that was novel to us optimists – with apparently inadequate tenting that required an inner lining t-shirts, loo roll and newspaper to keep the water out – who used it as an opportunity to relive our days at scouts.

After suffering a lack of sleep because of these heroics that would have made Captain Scott proud, I felt a little hazy on Friday afternoon, and so decided to give my brain a workout by going to see an interview with Siri Hustvedt at the Literary Arena. Sure enough, watching the acclaimed novelist, essayist and poet shoot the breeze with Suzi Feay about art, humanity and psychology just about did the job. Bemusingly, though, the tent was only half-filled. I assumed that such academic, intellectual and existential discussions were the things most ‘Latte-tuders’ dreamed of – though perhaps this particular event had simply been overlooked by those who’d been distracted by the other 332 pages in the festival programme.

Another show in danger of getting lost in this bulky text was Battersea Arts Centre’s ingenious ‘Paper Cinema’s Odyssey’. In something of a first for myself and much of the audience, Homer’s cornerstone of literature was told in inventive fashion with a projector, a couple of puppeteers, four musicians and a bunch of paper cut-outs. It was a truly magical 60 minutes, after which I left my seat feeling rather uplifted.

'Paper Cinema's Odyssey' by Battersea Arts Centre

And some performances were not listed in the programme at all. These included many of the shenanigans in the Mess Tent – out in the Faraway Forest – the smallest venue on site. One of its acts was a corset-clad, loud-mouthed Aussie gal, who showed off some of her circus skills (or something) to a crowd of about 30. She called herself Lilikoi Kaos, and I’ll never forget those bawdy, brash but brilliant ten minutes we shared on Saturday evening.

Another equally memorable ten minutes occurred at midnight on the Writer’s Bridge. I say ten minutes – it could have been longer, or shorter, because time isn’t really of the essence when you’re watching a trapeze artist being carried majestically across the lake by a balloon that changes colour. You’re right, it sounds achingly pretentious when recounted, but did inspire true wonder at the time. ‘Is this really happening?’ expressions were worn by many who were simply incapacitated in bedazzlement as they witnessed – I’ll say it again – a trapeze artist being carried majestically across the lake by a balloon that changed colour. I had some strange dreams that night.

Saturday in the Obelisk Arena, and many would argue the entire festival, belonged to Elbow. Topping the bill on the main stage, these gentle alternative rockers with their soaring, anthemic songs, were the perfect star attraction. Everything an onlooker could want from a headliner was present in the set: stunning backdrops, constantly changing images of the performance, good-natured banter with the crowd and, above all, great songs spanning their impressive back catalogue.

If you’ve been visiting Latitude Festival for a number of years, one arresting observation that never escapes you is how busy it has become. For a third consecutive year, the capacity has remained at 35,000 – a reasonable level for a medium-sized festival, you might think, yet still three times what it was in 2006.

Many of the faces behind this statistic are young ones. Teenagers who, partying in their gaggles of 15 or 20, you’d expect to be attracted to somewhere a bit more lively – like Leeds/Reading Festival, maybe. Put another way, at Latitude, you’re now more likely to meet a red-eyed lad called Dekky spilling Tuborg over himself than you are a fortysomething chap called Oliver eating flafel – contrary to popular opinion of this ‘middle-class festival’.

Unsurprisingly, I didn’t see a soul under 25 in the Film & Music Arena on Friday, where avant-pop violinist Hahn-Bin took to the stage to deliver a typically flamboyant and effortlessly perfect performance presented by the Royal Albert Hall.

He was followed by a trio of darkly comic gems from the London Short Film Festival. ‘Friend Request Pending’, the first, was about two elderly women with an alarming Facebook obsession. A psychotic London copper’s shift quickly descended into nightmarish mayhem after he mistakenly took a hard drug in ‘Disappoint You’, while ‘Long Distance Information’ – exploring familial fragmentation with a tale about a son who accidentally calls the wrong father, but still manages to communicate just as well as the pair fail to realise they aren’t related – completed the set.

'Disappoint You' short film

A good few clusters of little people, however, could be found linking arms as they weaved in and out of a full house in the Word Arena, where pop icon Lana Del Rey and a string quartet performed an set of epic singles on Friday. Wearing a white dress and taking delicate drags from a cigarette – at a guess, a Lucky Strike – in between songs, the bewitching singer-songwriter crooned her way through hits like Blue Jeans, Video Games and National Anthem. And yet she did nothing to suggest that she, and her music, isn't simply a beautiful, but somehow empty, nothing.

Even the performers at Latitude are getting younger. Who could forget Harry Baker, the 20-year-old rapper-turned-poet who had his audience in stitches with a dessert-themed reworking of Ed Sheeran’s single ‘The A Team’?

But there was absolutely no doubt as to who owned the Poetry Arena that weekend. Weaving impassioned stories and sound advice into jaw-dropping rhymes, Scroobius Pip appeared at home in front of the thousands who’d gathered to see him on Saturday night. People were spilling out of the tent, and into the neighbouring food queues, as the Essex wordsmith remarked: ‘This is the largest spoken word crowd I’ve ever seen.’

Carrying a healthy sense of humour outside of his melancholic verse, Pip joked about fans illegally downloading his self-released first album ‘No Commercial Breaks’, and how, aware of this, he had created a ‘guilt button’ on his website for them to pay up. Suddenly, the stage was showered with flying coins and notes, which, although disbelieving, he dutifully collected. ‘People shouldn’t throw money at me when I’m on stage, because it distracts me and then ruins the show for you guys,’ he said, bending down to pick up another quid.

'A Letter from God to Man' by Scroobius Pip

I think everyone would agree he was worth every penny, and his mesmerising set ended with a full two minutes of applause, before the awe-filled crowd reluctantly dispersed – hopeful of an encore.

If I hadn’t made a very late call on packing my wellies, and was stuck with my blue Converse all weekend, then I’d have missed this. Because I would have never left my tent. The campsite sludge squelched with every blasted step, and there was a perpetual need for woodchip – even when things finally brightened up on Sunday.

I think Lang Lang had something to do with the arrival of blue skies. They came at around the same time he headlined the Waterfront Stage, where crowds had gathered on both sides of the lake, and across the Writer’s Bridge, to catch a glimpse of the classical pianist. They witnessed a flawless performance, including pieces by Schubert and Chopin, that was every bit as elegant as Lang Lang’s entrance – via gondola.

So, those are my highlights – bar one. Thrash metal and anti-Conservative sentiments, anyone? Yes, #Torycore, in the Literary Salon, involved a woman screaming: ‘A HEALTHY AND FLEXIBLE ECONOMY’, and other short excerpts from George Osborne’s speeches as Chancellor, ironically of course, as some dude played power cords really, really loud. ‘And now,’ she said, very calmly, when that bit was over, ‘I’m going to read out a list of the Lords who voted for the Health and Social Care Bill, and their links to the private healthcare sector’. Then she erupted again.

After that ordeal, I rather conveniently concluded that the contrast between Lang Lang and #Torycore appeared to describe the sheer spectrum of cultural plurality that Latitude continues to represent. It remains remarkable, miraculous even, how arts followers of radically different persuasions are squeezing – and squeeze they did – through the same entrance gates to come to this place, year after year.

Latitude hasn’t become so inflated that it’s not still an artsy, lefty, intellectual event that continues to attract artists, lefties and intellectuals from across this fair land. But, as the swathes of sloshed young people demonstrated this year, not exclusively.

15.2.12

Theatre preview: A Beryl Full of Life, Love and Laughter – Roll Out the Beryl

Published by METRO

Tonight (22 February), 7.30pm, £11.25 (concs £9.25), Brunton Theatre, Edinburgh. Tel: 0131 665 2240. www.bruntontheatre.co.uk

VIDEO: Beryl Reid as Concepción the Spanish waitress (from Beryl Reid Says Good Evening!, BBC, 1968)



Sometimes, you’ve just got to ask your gran.

‘Have you heard of Beryl Reid?’ I put to her over the phone.

We’d just sorted out when I was next coming round for Sunday lunch, so my question was a surprise.

After a pause, she said: ‘Of course I have!’

‘She started out on radio in the 1950s – on a comedy programme called Educating Archie,’ continued my gran. ‘Everybody used to listen to her.’

I was told that Beryl went on to star in her own television series, which drew in millions of viewers every week.

‘She was a popular name. You know who Simon Cowell is today – back then, you knew who Beryl Reid was.’

I said I was previewing a show about her.

Beryl’s most entertaining characters – including ghastly schoolgirl Monica, lovable Brummie Marlene, and hilarious Concepción, the Spanish waitress – are reborn in a very special performance tonight.

The late comedienne, portrayed by Elaine Pantling, will also prepare a three-course meal before an audience as she discusses her life, I explained.

‘Where’s this happening?’ asked my gran, who lives in Yorkshire. ‘At the Brunton Theatre in Edinburgh,’ I replied. ‘Oh, never mind!’ she chuckled.

Beryl tackled more dramatic roles as her career developed, becoming known for her versatility on stage and screen. Among her finest professional achievements were a best actress Bafta award and a Golden Globe nomination.

In later life, Beryl lived alone with her cats, and died from pneumonia in 1996 – aged 76.

‘Well I wish I was going, it sounds like it’ll be great fun,’ my gran said, adding: ‘Right, I’d better get dinner on.’

14.12.10

From Our Own Correspondent: A Critique of the BBC Radio 4 programme.

My review of the long-running Radio 4 programme as part of a BBC application.

As contemporary television and radio programmes serve a generation increasingly rushed and hurried, today’s peak-time news reports tend to be delivered in a similarly frenetic fashion. The need to trim a story’s fluffy bits to such an extent sadly means that we often have a distorted and over-simplified understanding of the world, based on ten second soundbites and quick-fire interviews. The light such bulletins actually shed on the world’s affairs is “narrow and harsh”, according to Kate Adie, while the fascinating detail remains in the shade.

Yet on a more positive note, she believes that “there is still very much a place for a trenchant and colourful look at life to complement these brief news bulletin dispatches.” The place is From Our Own Correspondent, a Radio 4 programme which the former reporter presents on Saturdays.

Correspondents give their personal reflections on events big and small, from locations far and wide. What’s more, they are passionate in doing so. After all, musing introspectively about particular developments based on the correspondents’ own observations must feel much more fulfilling than yelling brief responses to questions asked from London via a shaky satellite connection. There’s a whole context to explain, people and places to be described, experiences to be shared.

Yet far from being a programme invented by gluttonous journalists hungry for more air time, FOOC strikes an intimate chord with its listeners. The reports which I find most stimulating are not the high-profile events, but the small, inconsequential details which paint a vivid picture of everyday life. These sharp and sometimes witty descriptions of quirky characters, chance encounters and accidental discoveries are things than we, as people, can all relate to. They also make journalism memorable.

While the histories and immediate circumstances of the people behind the news are far more complex than journalists can often afford to convey, FOOC goes some way to meeting that challenge. The reports are still relatively short, around three or four minutes each, but they offer a unique outlet for such insight and provide fleeting images of the world as it truly is.

For as long as news programmes will continue to encourage reporting in a concise manner, FOOC, now broadcasting in its 55th year, will remain a crucial component of news coverage on the BBC.

13.11.08

An Ode to Coppaccino


Published by Qmunicate

Qmunicate's sensitive columnist struggles with the loss of his place of work.

Readers, I am grieving – Coppaccino has closed down. If not a business familiar by name, it is surely one familiar by sight; the trio of police boxes – one on Buchanan Street, one near Kelvinhall and one outside the Botanic Gardens – which were converted into booths used for selling coffee? Yes, they’re gone – and only their rusty, graffiti-laden corpses of metal remain.

For six years they stood a bold 9ft tall and 4ft wide, but high above any of their rival cafés in the west end or the city centre. Its employees sat in the box and operated a hissing, spluttering machine which churned out a variety of £1.30 coffees and 80p teas, with a range of cold drinks and snacks hiding underneath in a small fridge. Its architect Gavin Wright served his last caramel latte in September, when he turned out the light and locked its door in pursuit of another business.

Coppaccino was my first job in Glasgow. Needing to make ends meet as a lazy first year student staying in Winton Drive, I’d dropped off my CV at the Coppaccino outside the Botanics – simply because it was the closest possible place of employment. Gavin called me a few nights later and arranged me an interview. It took the form of me standing outside the box, while a girl sat inside grilled me on my customer service experience. After a short trial shift that same day, I got the job. “Any advice?” I asked the girl, who was resuming her shift. “You’d probably better bring something to read,” she replied.

She was right. On rainy days outside the Botanic Gardens, I’d serve perhaps six people in as many hours. Over the next few weeks, I did all my exam revision and essay plans in the box. I even wrote some poetry and started a novel. The only problem was that the rain often blew in, and in such a case a mangled umbrella was provided to hang from one of the door hinges. There was also a small heater and a radio by my feet, and we were allowed hot drinks from the machine so long as we noted it an old 1980s till. At the end of the shift I’d just clean up and wait for Gavin – the man with they keys – to come and lock up.

Coppaccino was unofficially The Smallest Workplace In The World, but Gavin could never get it recognised by Guinness Records. As more people filled the streets when Glasgow got dryer, working within such an enclosed space prompted every second customer to ask: “Do you get claustrophobic in there?” to which I tried to reply differently every time. The customers themselves were a mixed bunch; loyal regulars, curious passers-by – occasionally bemused strangers would just stop and stare for uncomfortable stretches of time.

Ultimately, that’s why working in Coppaccino was the best job I’ve ever had. It was the perfect place for people-watching. On any given day I would serve bleary-eyed students still high from clubbing, wealthy businessmen rushing off to conferences, Big Issue sellers exhausted from selling all day on the streets, junkies demanding sachets of sugar, inter-railers urging me to pose for photographs, Polish workers needing directions, opportunist Jehovah’s witnesses making the most of my inability to escape...


The fantastic contrast of Glasgow was painted on a giant canvas right in front of me every time I stepped inside. I don’t feel like I’ve lost a café; I’ve lost a window – however narrow and rusty – to this city.

3.11.08

Swapping seats at The Jeremy Kyle Show

Published by Qmunicate

Qmunicate's cutting-edge columnist goes to the source of one of TV's most provocative talk shows.

What would you do if a middle-aged woman confided in you this: that she used to be a man who took to binge drinking to combat the frustrations of not being female, and that the hormonal confusions surrounding her subsequent sex change had led her to further alcohol abuse and to regularly fly off the handle in violent rages. Most of us would run a mile, but how's this for advice? “You were a binge drinking man – now you're an alcoholic woman.” Meet Jeremy Kyle, whose daytime show on ITV reels in 1.5 million of us every single day.

This is where it all begins. Huddled together down a damp, dark avenue outside Granada Studios in Manchester on a wet and windy evening, queue The Jeremy Kyle Show studio audience and I – waiting impatiently to put our own problems at bay so we can enjoy Jeremy exploiting other people's.

His guests, raked from the broken homes of Britain's working-class families, are wheeled out every day before him to have their wounds ripped open in public. Kyle's mantra dramatises the negative effects that drugs and alcohol abuse, parental neglect and unemployment have upon Britain's families, and particularly children. His show was this year publicly criticised by a court judge, who, in summing up a case of GBH on the set of Kyle's show, described Kyle's method of counselling as “human bear-baiting”.

I feel underdressed. Everybody around me is caked in make-up and dressed to kill – but why? Perhaps some of them are taking hope from the fact that Jeremy's wife, Carla Germaine, he met on one of his radio shows. Nevertheless, everyone is soaking wet, so it doesn't really matter.

After bearing the rough edge of the rain for half an hour, we are led inside and nudged politely into a seating area, where a clipboard-carrying woman lectures us about the show. She has the enthusiasm of a Butlins redcoat, but sadly one who is now prostituting her services to the daytime talkshow-watching demographic. “On today's show we have DNA results!” she enthuses, to the giddy murmurings of the eager crowd. “You must all show your most extreme emotions together,” she says, “because the other audiences today didn't cheer or gasp much, and Jeremy was very upset. Jeremy likes it when you cheer for him.”

I read my admission ticket – a yellow slip of paper choked with bullet points such as: 'Remember without you there wouldn't be a show. Use body language to help get your points across – it looks better on TV!' For a few minutes we practise in unison our gasps, cheers and boos, and I take a mental note of a group of five women who seem to be taking this far too seriously as we are led into the studio itself.

Does this man really need an introduction? Where Kyle once lurched in the long shadows of Springer, Kilroy and Trisha, he now marches triumphantly. His cut-the-crap attitude, together with his black-and-white understanding of human relationships, along with his ability to identify The Abuser and The Victim in almost every circumstance imaginable, strike a moral chord with the British public.

With all this in mind, I clutch my plastic seat anxiously as I see a black curtain quiver to the side of the stage, and the man himself emerge. “Ladies and Gentlemen, Jeremy Kyle!” The audience goes wild. Understandably so, as they've been waiting another half hour for this. Kyle doesn't blink, and walks slowly towards the familiar stage, sitting down on the chair he'll be yelling at in about ten minutes time.

“My daughter came from school today,” he smirks, “and she's started saying a new word: boys. Well I'm alright with that, because which boy in their right mind will ever want to go near JEREMY KYLE'S daughter?” The crowd cheers and applauds. He turns to the floor manager: “You alright Will, you twat?” Kyle slowly turns towards his audience again. “Listen everybody, Will needs a girlfriend. His last girlfriend was quite rough, so he wants someone a bit more classy.”

It continues like this for about five minutes, Kyle picking people at random, telling them to “Get a fucking job!” or asking them “Are you pregnant? Who's the father!?” and revelling in the laughter and applause. He seems to enjoy caricaturing himself and referring to himself in the third person for a while, before he suddenly goes off stage, and surrounds himself with a TV crew and a couple of make-up artists, preparing to shoot the promos they use for GMTV's ad breaks.

I find it hard to believe that once, Jeremy Kyle was not on television. His ned-bashing career began on radio, where he presented Jezza's Confessions on various frequencies, in the early noughties. A woman once called into his show and, rather shaken up, confessed to having at least two affairs because of her husband's drinking problem. How did Jezza sum up her problem sensitively? “You're a whore and your husband's a drunk. You need to stop sleeping around and your husband needs to stop drinking.” Exactly Jeremy. Fast forward a few years, and his show is a ratings-winner by miles during the day, as well as being repeated around the clock on three ITV channels.

The success of the show must be partly owed to the moral demise of the past kings and queens of daytime television. A gap in the talkshow market had opened up, and Kyle squeezed himself in. He is slightly more abrasive, “Are you a scumbag? YES OR NO?”, than even Kilroy was, yet he still provides more professional support than Trisha did with his much-referenced “backroom team” and of course “Graham”, the show's psychotherapist.

“So let's bring out Kevin,” Kyle announces. In this episode, Kevin is finding out if he is the father of his ex-girlfriend Tasha's unborn child. Tasha, who admitted that she “might have slept with someone on New Year's Eve” while they were still together, is confident that Kevin is the father, and that they could still have a future together. Kevin, still in love with Tasha and willing to forgive her, is hoping that he is the father too. Their future is printed in ink on one of Kyle's cards as he wanders calmly behind the filming cameras. “Kevin,” Kyle pauses as the audience prepare to go live on their gasp rehearsals, “is NOT the father.” Kevin storms off stage, punches the wall, and Tasha begins to cry. It turns out that Tasha had slept with six or seven people that night. Kyle offers some banal advice about “using protection in the future” before quickly cutting to an ad break, and Tasha is ushered quickly off stage.

Back to Kyle bathing in his own self-importance, again. “That was very good,” he says to himself. He doesn't need to be told. “Hey, Dom!” he shouts across the studio, and a man fiddling with camera wires looks up. “Don't you feel like you owe your whole career to me?” Kyle disappears for a few minutes, before re-emerging for two more episodes.

A few more gasps, cheers and boos later, and the whole thing is finished. The TV crew pat Kyle on the back, and he grins. That's a day's work for Kyle, so it's no wonder he has all the time in the world to spend with his kids. I suspect that the people he riles against, those who live in crumbling council estates in the poorest areas of Britain, those who face a glass ceiling when it comes to education and decent work, those who are merely 'bad parents' because they weren't brought up to be any better, those who live only fifteen minutes down the road from the Studios, where I was born, in Moss Side, Manchester, couldn't care less if an uppity talkshow host with a supermodel wife told them his opinions. But still, it makes great television.

If you've watched the show, you'll know that at the beginning, Kyle enters to a cheering, whooping, applauding audience and shakes a few hands. That must be Kyle's favourite part, because after all, “Jeremy likes it when you cheer for him.” Just as the TV crew are about to let us leave, Kyle speaks up over everyone. “One more thing, guys,” he says with a smile, “can we just do the beginning bit again?”

As we are finally led out of the studio, I see again the five women I remember from the beginning of the show. They are laughing, not at the absurdity of the man I have concluded, but at how lucky they all are in seeing Kyle in the flesh, and they were not alone that day. However, to my surprise, there are also those who seem disillusioned with him, perhaps because of his off-camera comments. We wander out into the rain again, and I begin to think about how in popular culture today lies an exclusive clique of celebrity, occupying a unique position in the public mind. Its members generate so much admiration, but also an equal measurement of loathing among the public, that it is impossible for anyone to have a completely neutral opinion of them. Thatcher is one. Pete Doherty is another. Jeremy Kyle is the latest member.

22.6.08

Totally Tongue Tied

Published by Qmunicate Magazine, 25 February 2008

There are many things to write about in Glasgow – the International Film Festival has just drawn to its end, with the Comedy Festival on the city's damp horizons (the 5-day forecast is still bleak, sorry folks); but there is scarcely a topic so universal in our academic lives that it is any observer's crime not to pay it some sort of attention. So it's within my great taboo -breaking pleasure to introduce a subject which is hardly ever on everyone's lips – the mobile-clicking, room-gazing, paper-rufflingly awkward seminar silences, probably taking place right at this moment just down the road.

I'm reminded of my 'first time' on every occasion I set foot in the first seminars of a new semester. I'd just worked out when the traffic lights would change on the Byres Road crossing, and I was still wiping away the crumbs from the free cake stall when I found the right room, which turned out to be the venue for a scene Harold Pinter never wrote. I think we were actually studying Pinter at the time, but the irony of the situation was lost on us all – the silence stretched out until the tutor arrived, unhindered, for what seemed like an ocean of time.

Week followed week, and the silences were given a bit more depth with the notable creation of inventive silence-slaying tactics. Our class began gazing around the room, aimlessly tapping buttons on our mobiles, ruffling sheets of paper, or prolonging the experience of opening our bags in order to replace conversation with movement and noise, and to appear otherwise occupied – too busy to talk. The ten seconds we were given to introduce ourselves were quickly forgotten, and over the weeks, attendances began to suffer, and people began to arrive late to soften the blow. But by this time, the hanging, visible awkwardness seemed annoying and unnatural.

Despite the fact my seminars were for arts subjects, I felt like I'd walked out of the building with a master's degree in human psychology. Seminars do grow more relaxed from term to term, but they're a clear microcosm of the vast and ugly obstacles that divide one stranger from the next – a cornerstone of any advanced society; one in which work and leisure are rarely mixed, and one in which we're fed individualism to the extent that it becomes blurred with isolation.

Now, if you'll excuse me – I'm running purposefully late for my history tutorial.

Down and out... on MySpace.

Truth Telling E-zine - 9 January 2006
Glasgow University Magazine - 14 April 2006

MySpace may be the preserve of wannabe models and nerdy teenagers (my MySpace name is theunknownsoldier1) but as of January 2006, the number of MySpace-ists hit 47 million. That’s enough people to replace the entire population of Italy. Imagine that - the People’s Republic of MySpace, with spear-gripping indigenous tribes like the 28,000-strong ‘I Luv Pink’ clan and hardline political forces such as the ‘Decriminalise Weed Club’ (population 5,543) and the ‘Republicans Are Better In Bed’ Party (5,996). The State owns the mass media and the arts (‘MySpace Records Vol.1’ is out now) and inhabitants are kept updated by web bulletins from their Head of State/Webmaster – who goes solely by the name of ‘Tom’.

Tom Anderson, the 30-year-old techie-genius who co-founded MySpace, sold the site to media-hawk Rupert Murdock for $580m last July. Afterwards, he sent out a weepy (and very American) bulletin to all of his then-22,500,000 friends declaring: “Many of you have asked about NewsCorp buying MySpace … everyone seems scared that MySpace is going to change. I’m not leaving, I’m still going to make the decisions about the site and I’m not going to let things suck. MySpace has been an important part of my life for almost two years now. I know it’s as important to others as it is for me. I won’t let it get jacked up.”

Click onto MySpace. You’ll find 47 million people with their own profile pages, over 500,000 bands and solo artists (including a 63-year-old Jimi Hendrix?) and almost 2 million discussion groups. I think I’d throw up if I knew how many hits MySpace.com received every day. For those of you who don’t know, MySpace is a web service that allows people to connect with other people. It trumpets itself for “making ordinary people famous and famous people ordinary” (it’s true – pop stars like Ashlee Simpson and Nelly have public accounts). Users can find friends by searching their email address, real names or their MySpace names, and they can create ‘profiles’ filled with their interests, their biography, their top eight ‘friends’ and who they’d like to meet.

It’s an online palace where the vain meet the shy, the lonely meet the culture-vultures and the stars meet the fans. On a typical 5-minute scroll through the mazes of online egos, I found a young female singer humming about her new folk album, a dyslexic narcotic blogging about his concerns with democracy and a young girl with as many spot-the-difference webcam pictures of herself to cover the surface area of Argentina.

According to Tom’s own statistics, the average registered MySpace user spends an hour and a half on the site per week. Some of my friends log on more than quadruple that time per day – but what is the appeal? Can we imagine the hypothetical MySpace island, governed by Tom himself – a society of many different cultures, a society of many different talents, where everyone is nice, eloquent and civilised? Perhaps it’s this notion of utopia that keeps people logging on and blogging on. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go and reply to my friend from Tokyo.

Facing the enemy - in my home town.

6th Magazine - 6 December 2005

I casually bulldozed through the human traffic that is carried by my town’s Monday market today. I passed the usual medley of men haggling over shoelaces and kids perusing fake Smarties, rounding the pungent smelling fish stall at the end. Except it wasn’t the end. There was newcomer to the usual market stallers – a group of men stood behind a small wooden table. On the table lay dozens of folded newspapers entitled ‘The Voice of Freedom’. Hmmm, I thought. I glanced at a copy of my dusty ‘Communist Manifesto’ that I planned to read on my imminent bus journey to York. But this looked like a worthy read – probably a fanzine or an ‘underground’ journal or something, or so I thought. “I’ll take one, please,” and handed over 50p to a young skinhead. “Better still if you join,” an older man snarled. The penny had dropped – I gazed down at the paper I’d just bought. The beaming red, white and blue of the BNP logo stared me in the face. A woman came from my right and thrusted a leaflet in my other palm. This one read ‘Islamic Terror Labour Failure – How right was Enoch Powell? How right is Nick Griffin?’ I’d had enough. I fled the scene before you could say ethnic cleansing and crammed the diseased trash in someone’s wheelie bin. I needed a fix; I read Marx from cover to cover as though I were a Communist junkie, all the way to York…

My struggle: Two years of double standards on the shop floor

Website - 7 November 2005



I’ve taken some time off from my meagre chores of replenishing the bacon section and slapping half price stickers on oranges to scribble some notes on the reverse side of some advertising for ‘Jumbo Salted Peanuts’. People around me are contently placing own-brand beans on shelves and mopping up wine spills while the 80s-biased radio is humming Nik Kershaw’s ‘Wouldn’t it be good’ for the thirteenth time over the Co-op airwaves. But if you don’t like new wave music, it gets much worse here.

I applied for a job at Co-op when it was a Safeway store just over two years ago. I over-eagerly wrote my details on an application form that bore the shiny, plastic grins of two ‘workers’, handed my form in and then waited. Within a fortnight I was jogging around with milk dollies in a pathetic effort to please my superiors, but within a few months, my enthusiasm was fading like the colour of my lime green uniform. I’d befriended a few other young people in my position – students who had been working just a few months. One of them jokingly remarked: “I’ve got amnesia. I can’t remember why I applied here.”

Working at my local supermarket has also completely reversed some of my economic views. In two years, I’ve gone from being a ‘free-market freak’ – babbling about efficiency and the importance of profit – to a soft Marxist. My political views have also been dragged over to the left and I now have a problem with authority.

So why did things change? Let me explain. Three people call the shots at my work – the managers. Just below them in the hierarchy are the supervisors – the people in charge of particular departments. Finally, there’s me and the rest of the proletariat, or “the bottom of the barrel” as we are described by the Human Resources Manager. We unload the goods that are delivered from the depot, fill shelves with it and then go home, with a few added menial tasks sandwiched in between. The next day we do the same, starting as early as 7am, finishing as late as midnight. If we finish the job before the end of our shift, we do someone else’s job until we are scheduled to finish. We are granted three (unpaid) breaks per day for a nine-hour shift, and I earn around £170 for a 37-hour week.

And the unwritten rules… we cannot chat – to neither workmates nor friends; we are picked up on things like “working with one hand”; people from the same department cannot take simultaneous breaks; we cannot take more than our allotted breaks; we cannot use mobile phones on the shop floor; we cannot chew on gum; we cannot work together – to name a few.

And here’s the day of a manager: they turn up to work no earlier than 9 o’clock, hold a meeting with supervisors, tally up their profits and costs (incidentally as a store we do quite well). They have no allotted breaks – but this works to their advantage as they are not deducted pay from the breaks they do take (as their breaks are unrecorded). One of my workmates spotted one manager take eighteen breaks in one morning. At around 2pm, they begin filling shelves like the rest of us. They always work in twos (what rule book?) whilst they chomp on Wrigleys (rule book…) and check their mobiles. The manager is paid a fixed wage of £3,000 per month and works less than I do.

For people like me, it is easy to spot inequality, double standards and hypocrisy – we are earning disposable income, not a living. But for people who have made a career out of stacking cheese, it is a lot easier to ignore the issue. A woman I work with has been working here for fourteen years – whenever I raise a conversation about this she ponders me for a moment, before shrugging and sighing “I know…” she continues to open boxes of tomato juice while the managers pocket the receipts upstairs.

The people whose careers are made from this place divide into two groups. In group one are the people who ignore these issues and simply want to earn their living, when in group two are those who view the inequality as something they can skew to their own advantage. Patronage has been an active hobby among the staff at Co-op – one woman who supervises her workers on the Delicatessen is given huge amounts of time off work (to share with the managers) in return for her maintenance of the double standards. Other manager cronies call their customer friends over to have a chat, but are quick to separate us from a casual chat, which we are not entitled to.

In a very real sense, they are stamping out the very things that make mundane jobs bearable. A chat with a colleague, a sneaky fag break – they’re fast becoming rights confined to the dustbin of history. And so now we are faced with the very cold ambiance of the smoking room – the break which a workmate and I share with a couple of managers. “No one talks. There is no morale here. To them we are just human resources, not people,” my friend comments as the two managers vacate the scene, chuckling.

Recently, I found myself voicing these concerns to someone above my level for the very first time. I’d been taking a break, defiantly, with a friend (who was a member of a different department) – we were heading back to work when two managers (the only two working that day) objected to us being on our breaks at the same time. I was about to utter “practice what you preach” but instead, like on so many occasions, I spoke to someone else. My Human Resource Manager listened closely. The essence of his argument was based around maintaining and increasing profits, and the basis of mine was the concept of morale, and how it would improve productivity if we gain more respect. At the end of my “rant” he said: “Why have you not told any of the managers about this?” I replied, “I’m a coward and I want to keep my job.” “Well they definitely think it’s a case of you versus them. Do you want me to mention it?” he said. “That would be nice,” I replied.

But why on earth would they listen? In December last year, I wrote a letter that highlighted my concerns with the large amounts of good food we throw away – I was motivated by the terrible scenes of starvation in the Boxing Day tsunami aftermath. I proposed that we try to distribute the food over there somehow, or at least to the British homeless, rather than have it burnt like we currently do. Indeed, one manager did speak to me about this – only to tell me “it’s more efficient this way” before shredding my letter.

I’ve since found comfort by attempting to organise a workers’ revolution, or a coup. The idea is very much pretend – my workmates and I joke about using trolleys as makeshift trenches and pork pies as weapons. But, if I’m honest, I’d love to fly the red flag over this place.