I want a relationship refund

Now our relationship is firmly in the past tense

I’ve decided I want a refund for every expense

Please don’t think I’m trying to screw you over – I mean no offence

But I’ve worked out you owe me 23 thousand, 8 hundred and 61 pounds and 47 pence.

How have I broken down the costs? Well, as the main provider

I paid most of the rent, bills, and for all the fuel for the car – because I was the only driver

Times that by each of the last 10 years and the costs get higher and higher

And I forgot to include this pot of tea we’re sharing. That’s another fiver.

But what I forked out for living costs is only where I begin

There’s also all the gifts, the meals out, the takeaways – that’s right, I’m calling it all in

Just think if we’d had kids how much more it would have been

And what about the time I booked off work for trips away – that’s one big lost earning!

You said that buying nice meals and wine helped you feel less melancholy

So I want the money back for all the posh wine and chocolate, and everything else you threw in the trolley

Plus the couples' counselling sessions I paid for when things became rocky

And I feel harsh for including this, but it wasn’t cheap to put down your mum’s border collie.

Let’s go right back to the start, when we were young of age

For our early dates I splashed out on hair wax, deodorant and aftershave

The movies and popcorn I bought on rainy days

Spending 12p for every text message I sent you – what a waste.

But I guess if I was single I’d have still had to pay for rent, bills and food

And I wouldn’t be the person I am if it weren’t for my experiences with you

Not forgetting all the stuff you bought for me, too

I want to be just as giving when I meet someone new.

See what I mean, though? Being with someone isn’t cheap

When you factor in all the special occasions and the general upkeep

Things move fast and you're soon in too deep

Still, there’s no need to make sure you split every receipt.

Because what’s the alternative? Being alone won’t work in the long run

And being a tight arse with your partner isn’t much fun

So live and let live, and accept what’s done is done

Love hard, be generous, and regret nothing and no one.


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